Listening and Leadership
Throughout my career, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I speak. Is my message clear? Do I speak up too often? Not enough? Am I showing that “executive presence” that’s so important to a successful career? And yet I’ve become increasingly convinced that I’ve spent far too little time reflecting on how I listen. I’m slowly learning the power of listening.
In a peer coaching session, we refrain from giving advice and let the manager who’s speaking talk through her challenge. And in the end, she realizes the steps she must take to make a change. In a community dialogue, we listen respectfully as someone who seems so different from us tells his story. And in the end, we realize that we have a lot in common with him after all. As a friend speaks, I long to solve the problem that she presents, but I cannot. And so I listen and she says that she feels better for having spoken about her pain. My daughter tells me that she’s frustrated with a situation. And I offer a solution. OOPS! Now she’s annoyed at me. Why do I need to keep learning the lesson: that when I can be fully present and openly listening, I’m often serving far more effectively than when I try to take over and offer suggestions from my “vast” experience.
I find that listening is particularly challenging for many of the leaders with whom I work. As managers, they’re learned to quickly assess the situation and then solve the problem. Time is wasting; get on to the next issue. And yet as leaders we can help others hone their skills, improve their confidence, and explore creative opportunities when we listen to them. And when we listen to others, they feel respected and valued.
Listening takes time; the pace is definitely different. Listening doesn’t fit with multi-tasking. You can’t manage real listening while talking to someone else on the phone, checking your e-mail and making a list of what to buy on your way home from the office. And when we listen, the questions we ask are different. We don’t ask to show how much we know; we ask out of genuine curiosity.
What might happen to your relationships if you listened more? I think I’d better stop here; I’ve got some listening to catch up on.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Great article! Listening truly is an art. It takes time, patience, and plenty of practice.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Leah,
Great reflection. I agree listening is an underutilized leadership ability. I am learning to listen more deeply, beyond the words. It is really hard as I have to quiet down the internal chatter. AND I love it when it works.
Nice website.
Marcia
May 8th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Hmmm. Listening. A novel thought. Thanks for your wisdom and insight. I certainly appreciate the time you have spent listening to me as well as your advice.
This is a nice website. Thanks for keeping in touch.
Rosemary
May 8th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Spot on, Leah. As I have gotten older, I have become more aware of how poorly I listen. The need to multi-task to manage time as well as technology has taken us away from the art of listening. I multitask too much and often go directly to solving someone’s problem. I’m catching myself more often these days and have to constantly work on recognizing and changing the behavior. As Sandy said above, it takes lots of patience and lots of practice.
May 8th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Hi Leah,
Great blog. I could definitely use some work on my listening skills. I was in a meeting last week where I went off in to my own zone and missed entirely what woman in the group has said. I apologized and asked her to repeat her words. She was flabergasted, not that I hadn’t heard her, but that I thought enough of what she had to say to admit it and ask her to repeat herself. She did note that men are as reluctant to admit to not listening as they are to avoid asking directions. I’m not so sure about that, but in my case some better listening would be a great improvement. Let me know how I’m doing at our next board meeting!
May 8th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
A wise man once said, “No one ever learned anything while talking.” I agree. And a friend sent me an e-mail yesterday with this statement, “I think I am going to fire my therapist; he talks more than I do.”
Listening and listening well is the secret to more success than anyone can imagine…in every vocation.
May 9th, 2008 at 6:08 am
Thank you for the gift of this blog and getting me to experience responding. The art of listening is a gift.
May 9th, 2008 at 7:56 am
I’m really interested in your stories; thanks for taking the time to reply. I’m so glad that Rich brought up the challenge of multi-tasking. We talk about that today as as if it were a badge of honor. And yet studies are finding - no surprise - that one is not nearly as productive, creative or accurate when multi-tasking. And it’s pretty hard to be fully present to someone (as Frank noted) when you’re doing something else! I worked with a coaching client who set as his goal to do nothing else but listen when meeting with his direct reports. Turned out to be a pretty tough thing to do - but really powerful!
May 9th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Leah,
Indeed, the power of listening is awesome! Epictetus wisely said “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” And, I’d add that even that ratio may be too much speak, and not enough listening.
Many years ago, before becoming a coach, when I worked in the financial world and didn’t have the words to describe what was happening, I began to notice that sometimes colleagues would ask me out to lunch and ask for my advice. When I was at my best, really present, the lunch would conclude with she, or he, saying some version of: “Thank you! - you gave me the best advice.” Later, I’d reflect and realize that I had not open my mouth much; perhaps I’d asked a couple of questions, but I had not given any advice. Those examples became a powerful lesson I’ll never forget, even if I don’t always practice. And, in retrospect, became one of the main factors, which motivated me to make the tough decision of leaving finance and the monthly pay check for the joys of executive coaching and organization development.
Congratulations on your new website - love the look! And, much success on this blogging adventure. Though, I wonder: What does success mean in a blog like this? I’d look forward to reading answers to this question.
Un abrazo,
Enrique
May 9th, 2008 at 9:35 am
I am more likely to see/hear clearly and appreciate what another person says than I am to notice when someone listens deeply.
This post is right on time for me. The other day someone mentioned to me the importance of how I listened to each person during a tense meeting. I was shocked that she was aware of and valued the listening.
I am curious what will happen if we all take time to pay attention to how we are listened to or received by others.
I am going to try that as an experiment this week.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Leah,
Good blog. It got me thinking about listening/talking vs. engaging in dialogue. As someone who’s still young (professionally), I certainly value when a leader listens, but I appreciate dialogue even better.
Ivi