The journey to Jan. 20 was not without a lot of planning and quite a bit of luck.  First step: getting tickets.  When we were told we’d actually get them, we knew there was no backing out.  People were coming from all over the country and we live only 20 minutes from DC; we had to go.  Next step: clothing.  OK, it was a little pricy for all those REO-type layers for a family of four - but it was still less expensive than a ball gown!  And hey, we could wear it all again shoveling the drive!  Step three:  Find someone who lives close to the Orange Line Metro so we could park in their driveway on the big day instead of battling for space in the lot.  After many e-mails, we score!  A coveted parking spot is secured! 

Step four: picking up the tickets from the office of our favorite Congressman on Capitol Hill ONLY available on the Friday or Monday before the big day.  We negotiate our way there and discover a huge stroke of luck: we actually have seats!  Great news!!!  But our Orange Line Metro won’t get us there; we need to arrive at the designated gate via the Red Line to Union Station.  Step five: scour the web for hotels close to the end of the Red Line.  Yeah!  I book us into a Sheraton for the night of 1/19 for only $80 over the usual price!  And a bonus - they’ll shuttle us to the Metro on Inauguration morn.   

January 20: We get up at 4:00am, take the shuttle to the Metro, and venture to Union Station with a crowd that’s pretty happy given that it’s early, dark and freezing!  We walk a few blocks to join a line at least a mile long, wait for an hour for the gates to open, get through security with the prize for the most electronic gadgets (doesn’t everyone in a family need their own phone and camera?!), and we’re into our seats by 9:30am!  Only two hours to go!  And, wonderful luck, we are close enough to actually see the stage, even if the people on it appear pretty small.  And when we stand and look behind us, we see throngs of people all the way past the Washington Monument.  It is truly an incredible place to be on such a momentous day! 

Two moments stand out for me against a backdrop of many wonderful impressions.  While waiting in line, I talked with a local Imam with whom I’ve worked on interfaith dialogues; he has committed time and energy to helping others understand a more tolerant view of Islam.  When President Obama said, “To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect,” I was conscious of all those individuals who, with that comment, were suddenly included and valued.  I felt an overwhelming thankfulness for a President who understood the importance of inclusiveness and was aware that in this journey forward, all hearts and minds are needed. 

As we left the Inauguration ceremonies to return to the Metro, we came upon the bus for the Tuskegee Airmen.  Fighters in WWII, those heroic men returned home to face discrimination instead of the honor they deserved.  As the crowd became aware that one of those airmen was walking among us, a circle formed around him.  It was as if we turned as one to face him, black and white faces acknowledging the tremendous debt of gratitude we owed him.  Thank you’s and acknowledgment followed along with photographs.  “I love you,” said one young girl. 

Tears in my eyes, I was reminded that my journey to this day was actually one of privilege.  For others, it has been a struggle of generations.  And for all of those, known and unknown, let us give thanks.   Because of their courage, commitment and endurance, we were able to glimpse on this Inauguration Day the possibility for what our country can become.  The possibility for what each of us can become.  Yes, we can.       

What happens to your emotions when you hear the messages of concern and pessimisim, of doom and gloom?  What’s your response to watching others panic?  We are wired to resonate with the emotions of those around us.  As the intensity of emotions increase, we respond in kind - whether it’s “logical” to or not.  Our primitive brain decides to take over and direct our fight or flight response.  Adrenaline surges through our bodies and our heart rate increases.  We feel stress. 

Take a moment right now to pause and assess what you’re feeling.  What emotion has been prominent for you this week?  Now do a body scan.  Check your jaw; is it locked?  Are you holding your shoulders up around your ears?  Shrug them a few time to release the tension.  Find your feet on the floor.  You don’t have to do anything with them; just be aware of them.  Now find your hands.  Straighten your spine.  Take a deep inhale, filling your diaphragm, your lungs, into your shoulders and back.  Exhale!  Breathe deeply and exhale twice more; then let your breathing return to normal.  Think of one thing for which you are grateful and put a soft smile on your face.  Sit this way for one minute, feeling your breath, reflecting on your gratitude.  When you’ve completed your one-minute pause, identify one thing that you choose to do now and move to do that thing with your calm, centered presence. 

We are not more effective when we are stressed.  We are not more powerful when we are filled with panic.  We do not treat our colleagues better when we take on too much without asking for help.  We do not show love for our family when we concern ourselves with our finances at the expense of our relationships.  

We will likely find ourselves experiencing stress, fear or anger in times like these.  There’s no shame in that; it happens.  But we can notice our negative emotions, choose to take a few minutes to center ourselves, and move into a different place.  I wish you increasing calm, clarity and gratitude.

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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  –Reinhold Niebuhr

In spare moments throughout the past week, I’ve been dropping off in a central location in my bedroom the ”Stuff” that I will bring along.  Insect repellent is a must, clothes for hot days and cooler evenings, toothbrush, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, tent, sleeping bag, ….  But do I need a lightweight camping chair?  I can see where it would be great to have.  On the other hand, I’ll be lugging my dufflebag to each campsite.   I consider with care what “Stuff” I’ll bring, wanting to be sure that I’ll have what I need when I’m far from a 7-11 but also wanting to be sure that I can carry what I bring.

And then it hits me.  What about all the other “Stuff” that I carry along without even thinking about it.  There’s that old story that I’m not athletic and am bound to make a fool of myself on the raft.  There’s a sense of adventure and desire to try something new that may serve me well.  But am I being weighed down by carrying along that self-doubt and ego and fear? 

How much time I’ve spent considering the physical baggage!  How little time I’ve devoted to the emotional baggage that’s just too heavy for my spirit to carry all the way!  So before I go, I’m committing to sift through my old stories and ego needs.  I’m taking out of my bag that ”Stuff” that will slow me down.  I’m committing to adventure by traveling light, informed by this moment.  I’ll let you know how it feels to travel without so much “Stuff” when I return in July.  In the meantime, may you also travel lightly and enjoy the summer! 

I’ve often described this as being on the “hamster wheel.”  We run and run and don’t seem to get any further ahead.  We don’t have a hamster among our variety of household pets but my daughter does have a gerbil.  And Elvis, the gerbil, has a hamster wheel.  As I head to bed at night, I can often hear him in a room down the hall, running and running to nowhere.  And yet Elvis has some instincts that serve him well.  He doesn’t stay on the wheel until he gets sick or drops from exhaustion.  Elvis takes plenty of time to eat and drink and sleep.  And he spends a lot of time burrowing in the soft material in the bottom of his case, appearing snuggled and cozy and calm. 

I wonder if we get off the wheel frequently enough.  Do we take the time for nourishing ourselves?  Do we find a cozy place to get away from the wheel so that when we return, we can run the race without the panic?  And if we took more time away, might it allow us to run the race more fully present to the moment? 

As we move into summer, we could decide to schedule time for real relaxation.  Then when we return to the busy-ness of our lives, we might find that we are more aware, alive and engaged, better runners for having rested.  Happy summer!   

Dealing this week with coaching situations that showed both ends of the continuum drove me to my bookshelf.  Among other books, I looked anew at Power Talk; Using Language to Build Authority and Influence by Sarah Myers McGinty.  McGinty identifies two ways of communicating.  What she refers to as “language from the center” is direct and authoritative while “language from the edge” is collaborative and responsive.  The important point the author makes is that both are effective; leaders need to be able to use both modes and know when to use each. 

Of course that makes perfect sense.  And it’s not that easy.  We often default to a preferred mode that we feel comfortable with and we can be pretty judgmental about our non-preferred mode.  “I want people to be direct with me and let me know if they have a problem with me.  It’s so patronizing to beat around the bush.”  “Making bold promises is about bluster over substance.  I don’t want to be like that.”  So it seems that the first challenge that we have is to let go of our “stories” and find the “effective” in alternative modes of communication.  Then the challenge becomes to determine which mode might better suit the situation. 

Richard Strozzi Heckler, a gifted somatic teacher, is fond of two questions: “What’s too much?  What’s not enough?”  He posits that it’s not as if you take a stand that works for every situation.  You need to continually get feedback and calibrate your stance.  That approach makes a lot of sense to me in light of this discussion.  What ideas and thoughts does this bring up for you? 

You may be aware of a study by Albert Mehrabian that showed non-verbals were particularly important in conversations conveying feelings and attitude.  Mehrabian found that three elements account differently for our liking of an individual: words account for 7%; tone, 38%; and body language, 55%.  (This explains why when words and body language don’t align, we trust the body language!  And it certainly has a lot to say about how people are observing and interpreting our leadership.  Perhaps that’s a future conversation.)

When we are fully listening, we note the tone, we observe the non-verbals and we get curious when we sense that they are not aligned with the words we’re hearing.  When we are fully listening, we observe what’s not being said and wonder why.  We notice that pace and tenor of the conversation.  I’m not suggesting that we do this in an analytical, judgmental way.  Rather, I’m suggesting that we listen with a strong desire to understand more fully.

In discussing how our brain works, Thomas Lewis, MD, notes that our limbic brain specializes in detecting and analyzing the internal state of others and adjusting our physiology to match the situation.  ”The limbic activity of those around us draws our emotions into almost immediate congruency.”  This explains a lot about the excitement of live concerts - or the contagious anger of a mob.  But in the context of our discussion on one-to-one listening, limbic resonance suggests that we can ”listen” to the feelings of others by considering how their feelings are reflecting in us.

As I consider listening between the words, it’s pretty clear to me that this is a focused, open, fully-present, single-task activity where I intentionally decide to set my own stories and egoic needs aside for the purpose of trying to understand what’s important to another person.  I wonder what possibilities might emerge in that space….

In a peer coaching session, we refrain from giving advice and let the manager who’s speaking talk through her challenge. And in the end, she realizes the steps she must take to make a change. In a community dialogue, we listen respectfully as someone who seems so different from us tells his story. And in the end, we realize that we have a lot in common with him after all. As a friend speaks, I long to solve the problem that she presents, but I cannot. And so I listen and she says that she feels better for having spoken about her pain. My daughter tells me that she’s frustrated with a situation. And I offer a solution. OOPS! Now she’s annoyed at me. Why do I need to keep learning the lesson: that when I can be fully present and openly listening, I’m often serving far more effectively than when I try to take over and offer suggestions from my “vast” experience.

I find that listening is particularly challenging for many of the leaders with whom I work. As managers, they’re learned to quickly assess the situation and then solve the problem. Time is wasting; get on to the next issue. And yet as leaders we can help others hone their skills, improve their confidence, and explore creative opportunities when we listen to them. And when we listen to others, they feel respected and valued.

Listening takes time; the pace is definitely different. Listening doesn’t fit with multi-tasking. You can’t manage real listening while talking to someone else on the phone, checking your e-mail and making a list of what to buy on your way home from the office. And when we listen, the questions we ask are different. We don’t ask to show how much we know; we ask out of genuine curiosity.

What might happen to your relationships if you listened more? I think I’d better stop here; I’ve got some listening to catch up on.